Warning, harsh language and ranting to follow. Feel free to hit "back" right about now.


Ever been pissed off to a level you never thought you could get to and have no fuckin' clue how you got there? Yeah ... That's where I'm at right now. At first it was just the typical "downness" I get to at this point of the year, but it just kept eating and eating at me. I just feel like a complete waste of anything. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to do anything. I go to work and I just want to smash the phone whenever it rings and I have to talk to some retarded patient who can't read their bill from their asshole. My coworkers make it more and more evident that they only care about themselves. I have to do all the crap no one else wants to do and I never get a single fucking thank you. EVER. It's so frusterating. But I can't even get into that because then I'd have to explain the whole "medical billing" procedure, and that would just take forever >.>

But besides that crap load, anyone who's watched me for a little while would know I don't look very highly at my own art. Which to me is whatever, everyone should be a little modest anyway. But lately it's like, I can't do anything. I can't concentrate long enough to get anything done artwise and I'm not even inspired. I getting to a point where drawing is old to me. I guess I'm getting to a point where I'm growing out of it. I had a lot of dreams when I was a kid. I wanted to do so much with myself and my art. I just wanted to make characters and stories that kids would keep in their hearts, and when they grew up, they could look back on fondly, the way i do now. But I feel like slowly all that is just going away. I've forgotten everything I ever held fondly, so how can I recreate that warmth? I was always lonely when I was a kid, it's not that I didn't have friends but I didn't really "hang out" or anything because I always had something to do, some chores or my mom just wouldn't let me go out because it was too late, or I'd have to look after my sister or whatever, but I always had those stories and those characters so I could at least escape from everything for a little bit. Like, I wasn't so lonely watching and following these adventures.

But that feeling is gone to me. Nothing's nostalgic anymore. Nowadays everything is about tomorrow, "what's going to be the next big thing"? People don't live in the present enough for there to be anything to look fondly on in the future. It's like they're all just zooming by their lives to get to whatever point they want. Like these stupid little 14 year olds having sex and shit. For real? You can't wait? Is it really that fucking great that you skip everything else wonderful about youth and just get to that? Stupid fucking kids. I swear. And it's these stupid fucking kids that I had hoped to share all my thoughs and fond memories with. Maybe that's why I'm so damn pissed off. Everything seemed so magical back then, and there seems to be no sign of that anywhere I look in life.

Now I look for an escape, not because I'm lonely, but because i'm just so fed up, I'm so disgusted, that I don't even want this world to be real. And nothing I do seems to satisfy that either. All these cartoons suck, anime is getting annoying, video games are bleh, and drawing is getting on my nerves (and people already piss me off so that's that). Nothing brings me that sense of wonder and magic like when I was little. Is that what it means to be an adult? I should just live in a cave somewhere and wait to die. Every dream I ever had just seems to have fallen through every crack possible.

I think sometimes that my dreams died along with my dad. He's really the one who pushed me with that when I was younger, and even right before he passed away. He'd say "oh you could be making so much money!" and I'd just laugh it off. I would never want money to be my driving force to do anything, but I really did want to show people what I thought love was. The love I knew when I was little, with my family all broken as it was. But I don't feel that anymore. Everything is so different now...People don't even talk anymore and everyone is so wrapped up in themselves, "Tweeting" this and facebooking that, and texting instead of talking. Is there anything we're going to look at years from now and think warmly and lovingly on it? Or is everything about the short term goals everyone sets for themselves? It's like everyone is reaching for the future so much I wonder if they'll realize what they're losing to get there. Or when they get there, are they even going to care anymore or will there be some other dumb shit to replace it with and they'll just keep shooting for that. Keep shooting for empty dreams and selfish goals until they die. Is that how all the cool people live? My heart is breaking over this world we live in. What can I do?

But meh I think I'm going to stop now. I should get a Livejournal or something. This shit would never fit on twitter....